This infographic gives you Tips for Talking Without It Turning Ugly that can rescue your love relationship from bankruptcy. It shares 6 Do's and Don'ts you need to be aware of in order to manage conflict. If you find you do more of the don’ts than the do’s, it will be a good idea to schedule a call with Dr. Ada and reach out for help.
How to Talk Without It Turning Ugly
Main Points:
POINT #1: The Reason A Simple Conversation Turns Into a Bickering Battle? You need to have things “MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY”
3 basic reasons you want to win:
Wrong thinking. You think if you are not right you are a loser.
You are insecure. You’ll feel that if you are not right all the time, it’s because. . .
You are stupid
You are not important
You are a looser
Fill in the blank __________________
You just can’t accept that it’s OK not to be right all the time. You feel you have to be perfect. And if you are perfect, you can never be wrong!
3. You don’t like to feel vulnerable. Having an open mind, and entertaining ideas from others requires you to put your ego aside and be willing to open your heart. That can feel scary.
How Do You fix it? by: Listening to UNDERSTAND. Do not listen to see how you can refute the other’s ideas. Ask more questions so you can come to the point of making meaning together and find the best ways to resolve the issue
POINT #2: When EMOTIONS GO UP, INTELLIGENCE comes DOWN.
It happens because:
You Feel attacked. Fight/fligh/paralize response kicks in.
You get flooded. In this state, you lose your capacity for rational thought.
You have a knee-jerk reaction. Because you CAN’T be rational, You do and say the kind of things that are likely to trigger emotional flooding in your partner. And then both people in the room are out of control
How Do You fix it? You need space to calm down.
Quick tips to calm down:
Breathe in the right way, all the way down to your diaphragm.
Tell yourself you CAN be the boss of your emotions. Think about something pleasant.
Remember You’re on the same team. The other is not the enemy.
Understand your triggers and don’t confuse past and present.
Go back to the conversation in a different way.
POINT #3: IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME.
It happens because:
You don’t like to feel that you made a mistake.
It’s a lot easier to focus on what the other did wrong because then you don’t have to do any work yourself!
You project. Perceptions and assumptions are funny like that! You think your partner is the stubborn one. . . and might not see that you are as stubborn, or even more so!
How Do You fix it? You need to take personal responsibility.
Focus on accountability. Rather than blaming the other (or “the world” in general) for a specific outcome (whether it’s a good or bad situation). That way allows you to evaluate your future actions and minimize harm. Whenever you find yourself playing the blame game, take a step back and think about how you contributed to the issue.
Be humble. Being wrong is not humiliating. Nor does it make you a bad person. Recognize your side of the conflict and do something to make it better.
Be responsible for your feelings. Ruminating, complaining, and engaging in negative self-talk can make you feel like you’ve lost control, fostering low self-esteem. Allow yourself to feel negative emotions when they arise, but don’t blame others for them. When you take care of your feelings and engage in positive talk, you’ll feel more in control and increase your self-confidence.
POINT #4: Take Advantage of my gift.
I’ve set aside some time in my calendar to speak to you personally. It’s a Relationship Strategy Session
You will leave this session with:
=> Clarity on WHY the flames & love have cooled down.
=> Identify the #1 connection blocker in your relationship.
=> Practical step-by-step action plan to rekindle the love you had at first.
=> Realistic vision of what is possible for your relationship.