Bedroom Bankruptcy! How to keep the stress from the crisis from destroying the love of your life.
Stressful times
The only thing more viral than COVID-19 may be stress—both at home and in our collective psyche. Practically overnight, our way of life was disrupted, with little time to re-vamp. Work and health concerns are ever present. You go outside, and we are all looking like masked bandits entering the grocery store for what has become an anxiety riddled outing due to the insecurity of what will you find.
Since many people have been asked to work from home, couples are finding themselves around each other 24/7. That can be good and bad. . . depending on many things: work space available, children or no children, how stressful the demands of the work are, how many people live in the house, and how healthy are your relationships. It’s not unlikely to have additional stress permeating the home.
And guess what, too much stress tends to result in negative interaction in the sex department. If you are not careful, a time of crisis can bankrupt your love. I don’t want that to happen to you!
There is a question I have been hearing frequently and want to address: “How can I help my spouse when they are stressed?”
Let me be clear. When dealing with stress as a couple, you are both responsible for your own self-care, AND for finding ways to be a support to your partner. With that understanding, let’s talk about some things that can be helpful.
Awareness
Odd as it may sound, many people are not aware of their stress level until someone brings it to their attention. Short tempers are often a red flag that someone’s stress level has reached an unhealthy level.
Stress is not inherently a bad thing—we need a little bit of stress to keep life interesting. No stress at all for an extended time can cause life to feel purposeless and boring.
Yet, too much stress, especially when out of our control, becomes overwhelming.
Getting this issue out on the table where you can address it as a team is the first step in dealing with stress.
WHAT’S YOUR STYLE?
People respond to stress differently. Some tend to hold the stress inside, wanting to appear strong or not be a bother to others. Somatic symptoms such as headaches, hives, anxiety or depression, or GI issues can all indicate a high level of internalized stress.
Others tend to act out their stress, displaying uncharacteristic anger outbursts, criticism of others, or verbalizing catastrophic thoughts.
Either type may experience difficulty sleeping. Some may turn to alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, or shopping as a way to cope. These can become destructive if the root is not acknowledged and dealt with.
HOW TO INCREASE AWARENESS
Ask yourself and your partner:
How would you rate your stress today, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest). Depending on their response, share what you observe. “You say a 5, but just this morning when you spilled a glass of water, I heard a string of words that don’t normally come out of your mouth . That isn’t like you…do you think your level might be more of an 7 or 8?” Then ask them to tell you what they think your stress level is and what are they basing their observation on.
Or, using “I” language, something like “It seems like you are very stressed. What I observed is_______. Would it help if we talked about it?” If you need to share your own stress, make sure you ask for time, like “I feel very stressed and it will help me if I could talk about it with you.”
Follow up—What does this compare to that you’ve experienced before? How did you get through that time? Then share a time in your life when you experienced high stress and how you did get through it.
It's easy to lose our perspective when we are overwhelmed. And right now, extremely competent people are overwhelmed, as there is so much unknown. Slowing down to remind ourselves of previous situations that we have come through is one way to restore hope. Focusing on the resilience you both develop in the past can help you feel more adequate to deal with the present stress.
Communication
Even in the best of times communication can be a challenge. When you add stress to the mixture, it can be very difficult. It’s common to turn on the very one that is closest to you when you feel trapped or overwhelmed. Yet, it’s very important to remember that you are not the enemy.
If it feels as if your communication has become combative, it’s important to voice it feels that way. Then name the thing that is causing stress, and TOGETHER, get on the same team and develop a strategy to communicate in a way that helps you move forward.
Some suggestions:
Ask open-ended questions: “What can I do to help?” is a great starting place. The stress may be a work situation that you can’t directly impact, but knowing that you are seen and cared for is a huge part of being a great team. Take in what they ask for, and if you’re able to support in that way, then let them know you’re all in.
Brainstorm some ways to communicate and get on the same team. Because some of our typical outlets are unavailable during this pandemic, it may take some creative strategy to come up with mutual solutions. This could be a good time to learn better ways to communicate.
Show love to your spouse in their love language is another way to reach out to your partner. Some of this communication can be verbal, and some non-verbal. Do you know their love language? (Words of affirmation, receiving gifts, physical touch, quality time, acts of service) Even if your spouse can’t come up with what they need right now, you can’t go wrong loving them in a way that you think will resonate for them.
Take time. Everyday make sure you take at least 15-20 minutes to check with each other, share any challenges, and just enjoy each other company. Talk about anything that is NOT the pandemic!
Boundaries
Boundaries are especially important when dealing with someone else’s stress. While their stress is not YOUR responsibility, it can spill over, affecting everyone in the house. You have to be very discerning and not let the other person’s stress become your own.
It is good self-care to ask for boundaries while one or both of you are working from home. If your spouse is on heated phone calls all day, ask that they close the door, or lower their voice. Again, the unique challenges of our current situation has made everyone feel like prisoners in their own home sometimes. We might have gone to a coffee shop or walked with a friend, to take a break from the stress of non-stop calls, but these options have changed.
Keep a clear line between work and home. That was easier when you worked outside, and then came home. But when working from home, you have to find a way to delineate the boundary between work and home. It could include changing clothes, or going to a different part of the house, or do a total change of activity.
Boundaries may include:
space (where is work done?)
volume
time (try to find mutual starting/ending times for work).
Asking for what you need to make your home a more peaceful place will keep you from internalizing and stewing. It will also help to keep the stress level under control.
Kindness
Life has become harder in many ways. Many have lost loved ones, and are unable to grieve together with family, or at least not in the way they would normally do. Others say they are just numb and don’t have much to give to their spouse. That’s when simple kind actions can tide you over when the feelings of love may be overshadowed by the magnitude of this time.
Go the second mile to get out of your selfish self and be kind:
Reach out for your partner’s hand.
Sit together to watch a show when words feel too hard
Bring your partner a glass of water, a cup of coffee, or other preferred drink
Rub their back
Do a needed household task without being asked
Above all, practice gratitude and be gentle with each other. Now more than ever your partner and the world needs empathy and compassion. We will get through this together!