Deck the Halls. . . not each othe!
Holidays are prime time for arguments. We know that problems in real relationships are rarely solved through tantrums. Yet, somehow holidays tend to bring the worst out of many people.
In the interest of finding more peace and joy, let’s think about how you can manage conflicts better.
You have more power than you think. The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself. No matter how well the conversation begins, you’ll need to stay in charge of yourself, your purpose, and your emotional energy.
Today we are going to share 3 top hacks that time and again have proven to be the most important ones for conflict management.
Calming down when your partner says something that pisses you off.
We all know what it's like to get carried off by some rough emotional currents. . .This is how it usually goes. . .
You are in the middle of a conflict or disagreement, your partner says or does something that pisses you off, and suddenly you fall down a deep dark rabbit hole. The only notes you register are rage, hurt, panic, and fear. This is called emotional flooding. When you react in the grip of emotional flooding, you’re out of control!
What can help?
Take a “timeout” when you need to. Make a plan with your partner that if either of you gets too activated in an argument to hear the other -- to avoid saying things you will regret -- you will take a time out.
Make a commitment to try self-soothing. Commit, even before you start a difficult conversation, to breathe, center, and notice when you become off-center – and choose to take time to calm down and then return again.
While on “timeout,” observe what happened. Mentally observe what happened. This is the key to creating some distance between yourself and the storm of thoughts and feelings. Notice that you got activated. Notice what happened when you got emotionally flooded. Notice what thoughts take shape in your mind and what sensations move through your body. Then notice what happens after you breathe and calm yourself.
Mentally store a picture of your partner at their best – a moment when you experience them as loving, generous and well-meaning. Shift your focus to the image of your partner at his/her best. This helps your brain move out of reactive myopia and reintegrate a more balanced view of your partner.
Use images to ground the process of slowing, observing and letting go. Imagine your mind as a wheel that was suddenly
spinning furiously. With each deep breath you take, you are able to slow down its speed until it is barely turning.
Relax. Remember in detail a place where you have felt very relaxed and calm before. As you bring to mind all the details of that place, you body will remember how relax it was and brinig the same relaxation to your present.
2. START IN A WAY THAT PREVENTS DEFENSIVENESS
You need a soft start. How you raise an issue in the first three minutes of the conversation will make the conversation easier or more difficult. Softening your start-up is crucial to resolving relationship conflicts. Here are some ideas on how to do this.
Complain but don’t blame. No matter how "at fault” you feel that your partner is, approaching them with criticisms and accusations is not productive.
Instead, of saying: I can’t believe you forgot my birthday yet again! I guess you don’t love me enough to make an effort.” Say something like: “When you keep forgetting my birthday it makes me feel unimportant and unloved. What I would love from you is that you write a reminder on your calendar and do something special for me next time.”
Make statements that start with "I" instead of "You." When you start sentences with "I" you are less likely to seem (or be!) critical. If you start with “you” it immediately puts your partner into a defensive position.
Instead of saying “You never listen to me!" you can say, "I don’t feel listened to right now.”
Describe what is happening, but don’t evaluate or judge. Instead of accusing or blaming your partner, simply describe what you see in the situation.
Be clear. No matter how long you have been with your partner or how well they know you, you cannot expect them to read your mind. Say clearly what you need or want.
Be polite and appreciative. Just because you don't like what's happening in the moment doesn't give you the right to use foul or harsh language. Using kind language will go a long way to resolving conflicts
Don’t store things up! When you wait a long time to bring up a concern or a problem, your anger starts growing until eventually you explode.
Don’t blurt things out! On the other hand, blurting things out as soon as something happens without regard to how are we coming across is not helpful either.
3. ACCEPT INFLUENCE FROM YOUR PARTNER
Whether you are a man or a woman, the thought of being open to listening to what the other has to say, and accepting that the other can have good ideas too, can be difficult. Most people love “winning.”
But when it comes to relationships, if one partner is “winning” an argument, then both partners are losing. That’s why this is such a critical skill to learn and practice.
In the best relationships, men and women want to be listen to and to share power and influence. They are equal partners. So what’s to be done?
Take careful inventory of your conflict style. When you cannot receive influence, it usually manifests via stonewalling, contempt, criticism, or defensiveness. The use of these behaviors communicates that your commitment to “winning” is stronger than your commitment to your partner, to be a team player.
Commit to “accepting influence.” No matter how far along you are in your relationship, make that commitment. You’ll set yourself up for success by committing first to personal accountability.
Think about mastering conflict resolution together. The best way to do this is to adopt the notion of “yield to win.” Or find a middle ground you both can live with. The notion of “yield to win” suggests that perhaps both partners – and thus the relationship – can win by yielding or accepting influence. Not just one of you, bot both of you.
Commit this Holiday season to practice these hacks and things will be more joyful at home. Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
P.S.
What if you don't feel like doing any of this? What if I can hardly look at your partner right now? What To Do Next?
I can help YOU rescue your love.It all can start with taking advantage of my gift to you: a no-cost, no-obligation Rekindled Love & Intimacy Strategy Session with me.
You can schedule it directly at: directly ON MY CALENDAR or email me at: ada@adagonzalez.com