How much energy do you spend trying to get what you want from your partner?

Think about it for a moment . . .

how much of your thinking time is spent on what to say to your partner to get him or her to be the way you want him or her to be, or do what you want them to do?

Things like how to get your partner to. . .

open up,

be more caring,
really see you,
love you,
pay attention to you,
spend more time with you,
have sex with you,
and so on. . .

People spend a lot of energy trying to get what they want from their partner because the belief that if only you do it right - behave right or say the right thing - you can have control over getting your partner to change.

This is an illusion!

It is very hard to accept that you can’t get others to do what you want them to do, even if it would be good for them and for the relationship.

Many of my clients wants to know, How to get my partner to change?

The truth is, you can’t.

What you can do is take your eyes off your partner and put them on yourself.

You have total control to change yourself, and no control to change your partner.

Therefore, the question you need to be asking yourself is, What do I need to do for my own well-being if my partner doesn’t change?

Here are some suggestions:

1. Stop reacting to your partner

Don’t react with compliance, resistance, withdrawal, blame, lectures, explanations, nagging or anger.

These protective, controlling ways will always exacerbate conflicts and make you feel badly within. Your wounded part believes you can get love and avoid pain with these protective behaviors.

In reality it is often these behaviors that are actually causing your own pain.

None of these behaviors are loving to yourself, nor are you taking personal responsibility for your own feelings and well-being when you behave in these controlling ways.

2. Focus More on Yourself

Be more loving, caring, understanding and attentive to yourself - to your own feelings.

Often you project onto your partner the inner unhappiness that results from not taking loving care of yourselves.

Instead of trying to get your partner to be more loving, open and attentive, focus on being open, loving, kind and attentive with yourself and with your partner.

3. Take specific action, about specific issues

For example, things like changing the way you handle money, or the way you deal with getting places on time.

Think how you take care of yourself in these kinds of conflicts so that you donít feel like a victim.

Anytime you blame someone else for your unhappiness, you are being a victim.

Moving out of victim thinking means taking loving action for yourself so you are no longer frustrated with the situation.

4. Be willing to explore with your partner the underlying reasons

This includes exploring the underlying issues for lack of intimacy or sexuality.

Be open to learning with your partner instead of staying stuck in just trying to control.

Opening to learn with your partner can be magical regarding creating intimacy and resolving conflict.

While you cannot make your partner be open to learning, if you are open to learning yourself, you might discover the power you have to change your relationship.

When you move out of seeing yourself as a victim of your partner’s behavior and into taking loving action on your own behalf, you may be surprised at the changes that occur in the relationship.

Most conflict get you stuck in power struggles that result from each person trying to control the other with some form of blame, anger, resistance, withdrawal, or compliance.

When you stop your end of the power struggle and start to take care of yourself, as well as open to learning with your partner, the possibility opens for great change to occur.

Try this suggestions and see the difference!

P.S.

For more specific help, schedule a call with me directly in MY CALENDAR

How Can I Get My Partner To Change?