From tantrums to solutions: What to do when things are not going your way

It's easy to be happy, affectionate, and grateful when things are going YOUR way:

• You want more money and you get a promotion.

• You want your partner to be more expressive and it happens.

• You want all the family to help with a project and they do.

You could keep the list going. . .

But what about those times when things are not going your way? Is it ok to mope, make a tantrum, say hurtful things, or stop talking for a week?

Of course not!!

You are not a 2-year-old who can’t control emotions and can’t deal with limits or not having his way.

What to do then?

You need to learn to take control of your brain and your emotions and actions. How? I’ll give you here a short and sweet recipe. At the end of this article, you can find a link where you can get my much more comprehensive guide on How to calm yourself and be the boss of your brain and emotions.

1. Pause

Stop and breathe. Take a couple of deep breaths, the kind that goes all the way to your diaphragm. Then re-focus your attention on bringing to mind the image of something --no matter how small-- for which you can be thankful. Then hold that feeling of thankfulness in your heart for 30 seconds and see what happens.

2. Find Safety

You need a safe place of refuge. It can be a physical place, or a place in your imagination, maybe a [place you have visited sometime in your life where you have felt relaxed and at peace. A place you can go to regroup, to pull yourself together, to return to calm, to wait until a clear course of action begins to emerge.

3. Be present

Instead of leaving in the past or the future, which you can’t really do, learn to live and enjoy the present moment. Especially if you need to discuss something with your partner, focus on only one thing in the present. Constantly bringing up the past will only make things worst.

4. Let go of fear

Constant fear represses your spirit and numbs your heart connection with yourself, your family, and others. These blocks hope while exhausting the initiative of those around you.

The only way to let go of something is to bring something else in its place. To let go of fear, you need to bring in positivity. A practice of gratitude will shift your brain into positivity and closeness.

Gratitude will help you bring things into perspective. It will remind you that the world doesn't revolve solely around you. It will take your thoughts away from your selfishness. It will remind you there is more to life than getting your way. It will bring to mind how much you can appreciate your relationship, and how much your partner does for you and with you.

5. Find rest

It is well documented that the brain needs periods of rest for better creativity, problem-solving, and decision-making.

Without time for reflection, nothing is ever learned. Memory is very much tied to enough sleep and short periods of rest, together with a longer weekly period of rest. When you are rested it’s easier to let go of tantrums and be able to find rational solutions to life challenges.

An invitation to action:

Decide to practice gratitude consistently every day. It doesn't require much time. Take just 3 minutes a day --or one minute three times a day-- to take a pause, take a couple of deep breaths, and bring to mind the image of something you can be grateful for. Then hold in your heart that feeling of gratitude for 30 seconds. Better yet if at the end of the day you share with your partner what you are grateful for in your relationship. Repeat this consistently for 30 days straight and you would have developed the habit of gratitude.

If you do, your relationship will become happier and it will be easier to keep your calm when things don't go your way. Try this and let us know what you experience. 

P.S.

If you have difficulty keeping calm, check out my booklet and recordings on “How to Calm Yourself: How to Be the Boss of Your Brain and Emotions”